When is Enough, Enough?

My Nana came to a decision this past week. She's decided to discontinue chemotherapy and let nature take it's course. I don't blame her, the chemo was leaving her a wreck, worse than the cancer. It's not like it was going to cure it, just stave off the inevitable. She had said before it all started that she felt if it was her time so be it and I respected her decision then so I have to respect it now. Somehow it's more real all of a sudden.

This is truly a quality vs quantity of life situation. She's 85, has up until now has been in good health as well as independent, and pancreatic cancer is terminal. It's still weird to me to think of her as dying. We're all dying, she's just going at a faster clip. My mother is an emotional wreck, she always is in a crisis. I'm more like Nana, kinda rational and appreciative. It's not that I don't love her, it's not that I won't miss her, it's that I feel really lucky to have had her around all these years and I'm glad she gets to go out as in charge as she's always been.

The tough thing is there's nothing I can really do to help out. I can do little shit, I knit her a few pairs of socks because she likes them and she's been feeling colder than usual because of the chemo. I can go visit or call but I do that anyway. My Nana taught me that when something needs doing, fixing, making you just jump in and get it done. Here, there's nothing to do and it can't be fixed and it leaves me feeling sort of lost.

My Nana also taught me to be really practical and some really old fashioned manners. So, one of my thoughts today was, my god my husband doesn't have a suit for the funeral. Now, some people might think that it's a little sick that this is what's going through my brain right about now, Nana would think it was funny. She'd also ask me how come he doesn't already have a suit for such an occasion and cluck at me. I really don't have a extra few hundred bucks for a suit for hubby but I also don't want to be running around looking for one last minute. This is what happened when my Dad's father died and I was up all night doing alterations so pops didn't have to wear a light blue suit to his father's wake. Maybe hubby's brother has one he can borrow in a pinch, but we really should just go buy one.

I am dreading Mom's coming reactions to things Nana is going to be planning. Mom is a cryer and Nana is going to want to have some things just so. Some time soon she's going to bring up her own funeral plans, what she wants to be dressed in, flowers, etc. and my mom is going to lose her mind. I'm also dreading my father's behavior, since his heart surgery he's had the emotional age of a toddler. Dad got very used to being "sick" and now that he's good to go he gets pissy when he's not the center of attention. It's already come up once or twice and I'm told it's not uncommon, just annoying. My husband has come really close to slugging him a couple times this week when Mom's been over stressed with Nana and Dad decided to throw a tantrum because he wasn't getting the attention he wanted.

On the bright side my sisters are coming this weekend and we're going to visit Nana, a ladies afternoon. Then we're going to a yarn sale at the Classic Elite outlet in Lowell. I get to spend the rest of the week planning some nice treats to make and bring, stuff I know Nana will like. I'm really going to miss her but I couldn't have ever asked for more or better, she's always been the best.

Cancer is Not Fun

I'm really annoyed on a lot of levels about a lot of things lately. First off I'm angry with my grandfather, he lied to me. My Nana, at 85, has cancer. They've always been very independent people for their ages and when my mother was going to cancel her vacation to stay home and help them out they refused and told her to go. I wasn't worried, my sisters and our hubbys had a plan and we knew we could handle anything that came up. For six weeks I called every other day and asked Papa do you have clean clothes and groceries, did you get plowed out, does Nana have her meds, etc. I was told over and over that they were fine. The couple times we went over there everything seemed fine. Then mom came home.

She goes over there to discover my Papa has been feeding me a line of complete bullshit. The linnens on the bed haven't been changed, they're out of clean undies and there's rotten food in the fridge. All things easily and quickly remedied, and they were. Yet, my Papa lied to me. I know that they don't want to be a burden to their grandchildren but I called EVERY OTHER DAY to offer help, I was even kind of pushy about it, and he lied to me. I'm pissed.

On the same topic, and I know this sounds hateful, junkies should die. Yep I said die. No rehab, no jail, just do the world a favor and step in front of a train and die. Getting Nana's pain meds is kind of a pain in the neck and it's because of junkies. Here's the thing, junkies rob pharmacies around here so they don't keep some pain meds in stock in volume anymore. You have to call ahead and doctors write small prescriptions with limited refills. It's not that you can't just call the doctor if you need more, you can, it's just hard to explain why that is the process now to someone who's elderly.

My Nana was suffering and doling out her pain pills because she thought she could only have 20 and she should make them last. The idea that she was feeling pain needlessly because some worthless junkies have changed the system for everyone really makes my blood boil. These selfish wastes of space don't just impact themselves or their families, they impact everyone. Even something like Claritin is now behind the counter and requires ID because of junkies. Why should my Nana, myself, or anyone else have to jump through hoops to get needed medication because of these people. I don't buy this "it's a disease" crap, it's just selfishness. Their high is more important to them than anyone or anything else in the same way that a drunk driver's buzz is more important than someone else's life and family. If these people have a disease it's chronic self-centeredness. Rich or poor these people are stuck in me, me, me mode and that's all. It's entrenched in our culture, a sense of entitlement goes with it, and it sucks.

Now that I've vented on to some cheerier things. I made a couple pairs of socks for Nana, she likes my hand knit socks and asked for some because the chemo makes her feel cold. I also finished my first lace shawl and I'm very happy with it.

I've been trying to beat back my yarn stash a bit so I bought a couple of one-ball knitting books. The projects are fast and easy and they use up leftover yarns that are just sitting around. I'll be putting most if them in my Christmas Stash, a hand knit hat or scarf is always a great last minute gift

Also, I made some yummy cupcakes on Monday. I went all out and frosted them with a pastry bag and tip, very pretty. I even put a chocolate button atop each one. I think they're almost bakery-worthy. I love to bake but so much gets tossed because we just don't eat it before it goes stale. I've been sending the extras with hubby to work but I've been busy for a couple weeks and haven't sent anything. Yesterday a co-worker asked where the snacks were, I guess they like them.

Awwwwww

Felted Heart Pot Holder and Hot Pad

I got one comment and a couple emails asking what pattern I used to make these. I made them up myself as I went just to see if I could make a heart shape from the center out. I did however take notes for a change so I'll happily share.

Needles : size 10.5 DPNs and 10.5 24" circular
Yarn : lambs pride worsted, you can get 2 out of 1 skein
Gauge : who cares it's felted

Instructions : Using DPNs cast on 8 stitches and join in the round, knit into the front and back of every stitch. Place Marker(16)

Row 1 and all odd # Rows - Knit
Row 2 : (Kfb, K) rep until end of row (24)
Row 4 : (Kfb, K2) rep until end of row (32)
Row 6 : (Kfb, K3) rep until end of row (40)
Row 8 : (Kfb, K4) rep until end of row (48)
continue adding 1 stitch between increases and moving onto the circulars when needed until you have 120 stitches total.

LOBES AND POINT ARE WORKED BACK AND FORTH

Start Lobes :
Row 1 : SSK, K36, K2tog (38)
Row 2 and all even numbers rows : Purl
Row 3: SSK, K34, K2tog (36)
Row 5: SSK, K32, K2tog (34)
Row 7: SSK, K30, K2tog (32)
Row 9 : SSK, K28, K2tog (30)
Row 11 : SSK twice, K22, K2tog twice (26)
Row 13 : SSK twice, K18, K2tog twice (22)
Row 15 : SSK twice, K14, K2tog twice (18)
Row 17 : SSK twice, K10, K2tog twice (14)
Row 19 : SSK twice, K6, K2tog twice (10)
Row 20 : Purl
Bind Off

Reattach yarn and make second lobe in the same way with the next 40 stitches on the circular.

Start Point :
Point is worked on the last 40 stiches on the circular.

Reattach yarn.
Bind off 5 stitches at the beginning of the next 4 rows. (20)
Row 1 : SSK, K16, K2tog (18)
Row 2 and all even rows : Purl
Row 3 : SSK, K14, K2tog (16)
Row 5 : SSK twice, K8, K2tog twice (12)
Row 7 : SSK twice, K4, K2tog twice (8)
Row 9 : SSK twice, K2tog twice (4)
Row 11 : Slip 2 knitwise, K2 tog, PSSO and pull yarn through.

Weave in all ends and FELT. The straight sides will want to pucker in a smidge just tug them into place when you lay it flat to dry.

To Make Rings : Alternate colors every 2 rows and carry up the back side.

Edited : Cuz, I shouldn't try and write out patterns while watching football!

P.S. : If you want to share my little pattern here please link don't copy. It's MINE! Sharing is GOOD stealing is BAD. =) All Other Rights Reserved. So Ask First.

Busy, Busy

I'm finshing up lots of projects lately. OK they're easy projects but they're DONE just the same. Lets see I did a hat for the Christmas stash, yes I start in January, a couple trivets for the kitchen, and some slippers for my niece for Valentine's Day. I love, love, love the little felted slippers. I have leather scraps to cut and sew on the bottom so they don't slip too much on the floors. The hardwood gets cold this time of year and socks just don't cut it when the little monkey is over here. My sister loves them and wants me to make another pair for her to have at home.

AFTRA STILL SUCKS. Nuff said.

The Pats are playing in the SB tomorrow so the cooking started tonight. I want to actually be able to watch the game, and be ready to cover Tala's eyes JUST IN CASE. We're having pizza, veggies and dip, herbed monkey bread, salad, artichoke hearts and olives, and I baked a chocolate pound cake that's going to have bittersweet chocolate sauce. My BIL is bringing the hotwings. I'm trying to decide if I want to make the pizza and monkey bread dough tonight and let it chill out in the fridge.

I did manage to make a big dent in the cleaning today. Got the kitchen catch-all AKA table cleared off and the counters as well. Hubby did most of the living room. I even managed to get the desk cleaned up and all the papers filed, paid or tossed. Yay for me. Maybe I'll make the dough in the morning and spend tonight with my knitting in front of the TV. Torchwood is on and Adult Swim has new anime on Saturday nights.