When is Enough, Enough?

My Nana came to a decision this past week. She's decided to discontinue chemotherapy and let nature take it's course. I don't blame her, the chemo was leaving her a wreck, worse than the cancer. It's not like it was going to cure it, just stave off the inevitable. She had said before it all started that she felt if it was her time so be it and I respected her decision then so I have to respect it now. Somehow it's more real all of a sudden.

This is truly a quality vs quantity of life situation. She's 85, has up until now has been in good health as well as independent, and pancreatic cancer is terminal. It's still weird to me to think of her as dying. We're all dying, she's just going at a faster clip. My mother is an emotional wreck, she always is in a crisis. I'm more like Nana, kinda rational and appreciative. It's not that I don't love her, it's not that I won't miss her, it's that I feel really lucky to have had her around all these years and I'm glad she gets to go out as in charge as she's always been.

The tough thing is there's nothing I can really do to help out. I can do little shit, I knit her a few pairs of socks because she likes them and she's been feeling colder than usual because of the chemo. I can go visit or call but I do that anyway. My Nana taught me that when something needs doing, fixing, making you just jump in and get it done. Here, there's nothing to do and it can't be fixed and it leaves me feeling sort of lost.

My Nana also taught me to be really practical and some really old fashioned manners. So, one of my thoughts today was, my god my husband doesn't have a suit for the funeral. Now, some people might think that it's a little sick that this is what's going through my brain right about now, Nana would think it was funny. She'd also ask me how come he doesn't already have a suit for such an occasion and cluck at me. I really don't have a extra few hundred bucks for a suit for hubby but I also don't want to be running around looking for one last minute. This is what happened when my Dad's father died and I was up all night doing alterations so pops didn't have to wear a light blue suit to his father's wake. Maybe hubby's brother has one he can borrow in a pinch, but we really should just go buy one.

I am dreading Mom's coming reactions to things Nana is going to be planning. Mom is a cryer and Nana is going to want to have some things just so. Some time soon she's going to bring up her own funeral plans, what she wants to be dressed in, flowers, etc. and my mom is going to lose her mind. I'm also dreading my father's behavior, since his heart surgery he's had the emotional age of a toddler. Dad got very used to being "sick" and now that he's good to go he gets pissy when he's not the center of attention. It's already come up once or twice and I'm told it's not uncommon, just annoying. My husband has come really close to slugging him a couple times this week when Mom's been over stressed with Nana and Dad decided to throw a tantrum because he wasn't getting the attention he wanted.

On the bright side my sisters are coming this weekend and we're going to visit Nana, a ladies afternoon. Then we're going to a yarn sale at the Classic Elite outlet in Lowell. I get to spend the rest of the week planning some nice treats to make and bring, stuff I know Nana will like. I'm really going to miss her but I couldn't have ever asked for more or better, she's always been the best.